Meathole of the Week: Amber Portwood

Who remembers the movie Ernest Goes to Jail?  I do.  Sort of.  I don't remember the plot or really anything about the movie other than the title and the lead actor.  For those who need a refresher, it came out in 1990 and was a sequel of sorts to Ernest Goes to Camp.  Jim Varney played Ernest in both. 

What's the segway?  Well, much like Ernest went to Jail in 1990, Teen Mom's Amber Portwood is heading to jail in 2012.  She will be the little darling of the Indiana Department of Corrections for the next five years.  And, as the title of this posts suggests, she will also be the Meathole of the Week on Next Stop Baby.  That's right, I'm bring back the Meathole of the Week because the original post (here) was so darn popular.  Speaking of, I almost made Ms. Hilary Duff a two time Meathole winner thanks to more annoying comments she recently made about how she's a genius at changing diapers and her son's a genius for rolling over.  Irkity Irk.

Back to Amber.  Whatever we think about shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, we can begrudgingly concede that the cast members make bank.  Yes they earn that money by acting like the lowest common denominator, but I think it's safe to say that a portion of that grotesque behavior is choreographed (intentionally or subconsciously) for the cameras.  Crazy sells.  So, I don't fault Amber for viciously arguing with her child's father on camera or generally making us gasp at her lack of parenting skills.  She's paid to do that, sort of.  And Mama Amber's not bringing home the bacon in any other discernible way. 

Where the problem lies is in her need to repeatedly break the law.  Amber is to Teen Mom what Angelina is was to Jersey Shore.  Angelina couldn't suck up the fact that she hated all the other guido punks for just a few weeks out of the year to set herself up financially for life (or at least a couple decades).  Amber couldn't subdue her desire to abuse drugs and physically assault people for the sake of her daughter, much less for the sake of a pay check.

Weird

In second thought, maybe Angelina is the true Meathole because she's just a loud mouthed pain in the ass, where as Amber has a clinical drug addiction.  Either way, both girls have successfully dumped their cash cows in the garbage.  And, in Amber's case, she dumped her daughter in the hands whoever is legally able to care for her while she spends half a decade sporting an orange jumper and trying not to drop the soap.

But wait, some of you are thinking - forget Angelina, those soulless producers over at MTV are the true Meatholes.  On some level the old, wise adults at MTV knew exactly the type of teenage time bomb they cast as a Teen Mom.  You're thinking that the MTV staff has taken their formulaic television programming to a disgusting new level by supplying underage, drug addicted, anger unmanaged mothers with more than enough dough to feed all of their gnarly habits (and not their kids).  I hear ya, but I won't subscribe to this perspective until I'm given convincing evidence that, on top of all that cold hard cash, MTV also provides free access to drugs and weapons for all its teen mothers.  I don't think MTV can be blamed when there are plenty of young ladies on Teen Mom that did the opposite of Amber and got their shit together (relatively speaking).

Nothing like a good Meathole discussion to kick off your Tuesday.  What's your take?